Dear dear friend, I have just read yours and Elfie’s blog. Poring over each entry, lingering over the words, and soaking up the imagery, emotion and inspiration within. You guys are truly amazing. I am in awe of your raw authenticity, the poetic lilt of your language and the simple joy of your lives together (yes, even the tragic, dark bits have joy and hope).

I am also envious. Yes, you read that right. I have wanted to do what you are doing for so long. Tracking my life, thoughts, random experiences; expressing myself in words and photos/drawings to whoever might want to listen… I fantasise about doing it. I talk to Gina about what stops me. I draft countless entries, that never get as far as being posted. Most of my life I have thought of myself as a writer, creator. Talented, driven. And yet, I don’t actually do it. I don’t ‘find time’. I don’t ‘have a space’. I ‘forget’. I have ‘other more important/urgent/significant/pressing things to do’.

Now, more than ever, I want to make this happen. But I don’t know how. If ‘even cancer’ and the very real threat of not growing old is not enough of a rocket up my proverbial, what on earth will motivate me to make it happen…?

I know, I know! I hear you tut tutting me and saying ‘don’t be so hard on yourself, you and Rich have so much to get finished to be in a place where you can just be yourselves and live a life in synch with this part of you’. I know there are very real reasons, right now, why I don’t just walk over to my easel and get chalk on my fingers, or sit down at my computer for a few hours and bash out a few ideas/thoughts/hopes (like this morning, when all I do is feel guilty about not getting the washing on!), but how/when is the desire to do this going to be enough to bunt me into gear… (I actually typed ‘but time is running out’, and then veered away from leaving it there – and this is my way of letting you know it was in my head but I wasn’t ready to own it).

I love you and am so grateful for your love and care of me. You are an inspiration.
M xx

Oh God My. How do I respond to your beautiful email? I know my words won’t do it justice and that I will feel very frustrated about that but nevertheless, I will give it a try.

Firstly thank you for being so generous and loving in your response to our posts. To take the time to write down your feelings and reactions and send them is a gift to us darling. It really is.

Secondly, to be so honest and authentic and open-hearted is an amazing way to be. Millions of people will never, ever get to that place. You are brave and courageous to make yourself vulnerable and to trust that we love you and won’t let you fall.

Maybe you have to believe in yourself more My. There will always be other ‘things’ to do, to get done, that can’t wait. So there is a choice. Those ‘things’ will always be there – well, hopefully not always – but stuff like washing clothes and boring stuff like that. And what is the worst thing that will happen if you don’t put those ‘things’ first but rather do them later? Probably nothing too dire. Certainly nothing as dire as cancer. So ??? Believe in you darling. What you have to say, to create, to write – self expression – is far more important than anything else. Yes, even the house. There has to be room for you in all this. In this vital part of you. This expression of you. And I don’t think that you are running out of time. I just think you need to make the decision to be all of you.

Thanks again darling thing. Be a warrior for yourself. All my love xxoo